Insainia!!!!

Well, it's been a while!! Just a couple of things have happened between my last post and this, the main event being the arrival of another bundle of bonkersness who goes by the name of Captain Cheeky Chops. He arrived at the end of April, a gorgeous little chap who has simply added to the happy, crazy, busy world of Fork.

Another rather...erm...interesting occurrence is my entry to the Birmingham Half Marathon. It's 10 years this year since losing my wonderful mum and I had the brainwave (malfunction) of entering the half marathon to raise a ridiculous amount of money and to challenge myself to achieve something amazing after something so heartbreaking as losing mum. Not to mention the legs like a baby giraffe I will surely be the proud owner of by October.

So far training is going surprisingly well. Saturday I managed a 5 mile trot around the local park. It wasn't easy, certainly not but it wasn't impossible which I personally found extremely encouraging, until that is, I thought that in just 49 days I will be doing that twice with another 3 miles added for good luck. Ohhhhhhh why oh why oh why have I volunteered for this craziness? Why have I decided to put my body, my poor, battered, lazy body through this turmoil??? Why cant I simply send a cheque? Surely Macmillan don't care if I do the run, they only care about the cash, I'll just send a cheque... Or a coffee morning, I could go to a coffee morning, yes eating cakes, drinking coffee, having a chat THAT'S much more my scene... oh yes, I could to 13 miles of cake and coffee...

No, no I've made a commitment, the entry is paid for, the trainers are laced, the sponsorship requests are being sent out and as I've roped my sister and two lifelong buddies into the whole charade I guess its pavement pounding for this Mo Farrah wanna be!

Next run tomorrow... A&E on standby!!!

Girls just love to shop!

In this time of recession and economic gloom you would think that retailers will be doing their up most to keep us customers happy... Not if this weekend is anything to go by!!!

I went to a well know car/bike store to purchase the boy a helmet so that we could enjoy mother and son cycle sessions in safety. Firstly the bike section is upstairs and the helpful man at the number plate desk simply grunted when I asked if there was such a thing as a lift, begrudgingly he offered to help me carry the pram up as long as it wasn't too heavy. This offer was made in a rather sceptical tone while he eyed my beautiful boys pudgy arms, chubby cheeks and well covered frame! I declined, instead suggesting that I could leave the pram at his desk and simply take the little man with me. He consented to this scheme, stipulating that I leave it at my own risk and he is not responsible should anything go missing or if it needs to be removed for security reasons (not sure how the nation's security could be threatened by a biscuit covered 3 wheeler but I'm no expert!!)

Off we went, feeling slightly subdued by our encounter with number plate man but no less excited about our purchase... The prepubescent school child who offered to help (well, not quite offered, more deigned to finish his chat and look at me after my distinct throat clearing) took one look at my baby, my gorgeous, cute as a button, charming, smiling, happy, beautiful boy and said, "he's got a big head for a baby hasn't he?!" erm... NO!!!

He then took a helmet and just plonked it on top of my cherub and proceeded to do the straps up. My little man was happily letting him do this, no fussing, no trying to pull the helmet off, just passively letting this youth fit him with a bike helmet. It was at this moment that I noticed the teens fingers were absolutely covered in oil and grime and I wondered when this grubby oik last washed his hands before touching my boys over sized head!!!! Little did I know that more compliments where on their way - after struggling to adjust the straps and having already commented on the size of my boy's bonce this so called assistant said "you'll have to adjust the straps because he's got such a small face" so my son's hideous deformities are not confined to his elephantine head but this is complimented, and no doubt enhanced by a freakishly small and minute face!! The whole conversation was then rounded off by the teenager saying "last child I did a helmet for screamed it's head off!" I'm not surprised!!!!!!

The shopping fun continued when I lost my mind and went to the next sale. Thankfully the children's department was a ghost ship, clearly due to bargain crazed mothers rising at the crack of dawn to purchase half price t-shirts! Personally I think it is a crime against sanity to be awake while your child is sleeping and it's certainly something that does NOT happen in the Mellon household!

I then took my mother in law to the Marks and Spencer sale, not as awful as the next sale but still pretty hideous. Why oh why is every sale like a jumble sale? I know that the clothes are discounted but why does that mean they can't be displayed in an attractive way? Mother in law wasn't as uptight about the shop's appearance as I was and found a lovely dress to purchase, fantastic! What was not fantastic was father in laws comment when we got home... He observed that the dress MIL had purchased was very similar in style and appearance to a frock that I own!!!

Hmmm...So all in all this weekend I have discovered that not only do I have a son with an 'interesting' head/face combo but I also have the fashion sense of an 85 year old!!!! What a lucky man hubby is!!!

One too many???

Saturday night husband and I went out for the evening... TOGETHER!!!! We were off to a proper pub, with no wacky warehouse facility, followed by a curry and lots of grown up chat so plenty to look forward to!

Nanny Mac kindly agreed to come and keep an eye on the boy wonder.  We'd had a busy day entertaining so I assured her it wouldn't be a late one and we were more than likely to be home well before midnight - especially as we rarely make it past 9pm these days.

Unfortunately I lost paper scissor stone and had to drive, but still it was a night out and I was excited to not be "mummy" for a few hours. 7 o'clock and the baby was snoozing, Mac had settled in, we were glammed and ready to go. Met everyone in the pub and despite me drinking tonic water while husband was on the beer we were having a top night!  By 9 I was very aware that a) it was approaching bed time, b) I hadn't had any dinner yet and c) husband also hadn't had any dinner but had had several pints!!! I initiated a brief discussion on the best time to go for the curry, suggesting we leave within the next 30 seconds, and was horrified to hear that 10 o'clock was the groups preferred time - 10 o'clock????? What kind of crazy talk is that? I'm normally tucked up in bed well on my way to snoozville by 10 o'clock!

Knowing our curry was going to be more midnight feast than dinner dinner batman I worried that we may not be back at our aforementioned early hour... In fact we didn't make it back until 1.30am!!!!! Lordy! Husband was happily tipsy and I'd had my allowed single glass of vino, all in all it was a wonderful evening and a lot of fun but Nanny wasnt too impressed we'd broken curfew in such a spectacular way!

Sadly the next day was not a lot of fun.. It was daddy's turn to get up with the little man and I very much enjoyed the extra hour in bed. When I did, eventually, emerge from my cozy slumber it came to my attention that my single glass of wine had resulted in a hangover. How can that be??? I only had one glass; ONE! I used to be able to drink gallons of plonk before suffering any ill effects. Becoming a lightweight is a very disappointing aspect of motherhood and one that I think can only be over come by never actually sobering up... Cheers!!

Sent from my iPhone

Confession of a terrible mum

Last week the boy and I had caught a terrible dose of man flu, we were coughing, sneezing and feeling pretty rubbish all round.  He soldiered on with a smile, being the happy little camper he always is, albeit with a stream of glistening snot.  I however crumbled, brought to my knees by germs and self pity.  

On one particular day (I cannot be specific for legal reasons) the baby was still snotty but seemed a lot happier, however, I was basically dead so after lunch I gave him a nice big spoonful of calpol, a lovely bottle and plonked him into bed.  I have to admit he wasn't quite asleep, or even close to going to sleep, so I went up and gave him monkey (his new best friend) in the vain hope that they would entertain each other.  To begin with they were chatting away together, probably discussing when they should put a call into social services, but after a while (quite a while) it went reassuringly quite and then came the gentle lull of snot filled snoring.  

He slept that afternoon for a good 3 hours and I, mother of the year, sat on the sofa eating jaffa cakes and watching tennis.  Now, I ask you... what would supernanny say????? 

Running Club

In a vain attempt to limit the damage of my endless scoffing I have signed up to a Cancer Research UK Race For Life in July.  I absolutely can NOT diet. It is just not possible for me to deny myself anything, I'm certain that if I was to say "Mellon you are not allowed to eat toenails from now on" that I would then crave toenails to the extent of bingeing on them until I was sick and then hiding the packaging so that my gluttony would not be discovered!!  In light of my complete inability to curb my enthusiasm for food I have decided the only way I am ever going to reach the pinnacle of yummy mummyness will have to involve some kind of exercise.


So last night the unthinkable has happened and I joined an exercise club.  A running club to be exact, well club may be slightly over egging it as there was a grand total of 3 people, including my good self.  Apparently there is usually 5 whole people in this club plus a trainer from the gym but for one reason or another there was just the 3 of us.  I was extremely nervous about going, and although they seemed friendly the very fact that they were discussing something called "the black mountain 25" coupled with their choice attire of running "tights" (is there a more disturbing item of clothing?!) had me more than a little suspicious. 


The leader of the gang was describing the route they were planning to take.  I nodded politely in a "I know where you're talking about" fashion while thinking, that sounds like a hell of a lot of roads; perhaps they are short, cul-de-sac type roads.... I was reassured to hear that tonight was a gentle night as it was a birthday run.  Feeling unsure what a birthday run might entail, but hoping that disturbing as they may be the running tights stay in place I set off!  Not sure if the definition of "gentle" has changed in the last 6 months without my knowledge but I felt fairly sure that Usain Bolt would have struggled to keep pace with us while we "jogged" up what was basically Everest's twin!!!!  The lovely gents I was running with were very enthusiastic and encouraging, chatting away to me and telling me how they both started running.  I tried to respond, you know chat away, make friends, be pleasant but unfortunately my lungs were desperately trying to leave my body directly through my ribcage so I was unable to reveal my sparkling personality and witty repartee...


As we neared the top of Everest I had to stop and walk, I simply could not breath any longer! I persuaded the gents to jog on ahead of me as I felt terrible for holding them up, especially after one of them told me that the only problem with running club was that it doesn't cater for different levels so you get beginners with elite runners and it difficult for everyone to get a good session.  They were very lovely though, running on ahead and then jogging back to me and I felt a little like the owner of two Labradors playing fetch! 


I managed to convince the old pins that we could pick up the pace again and decided that this time I would run at my own speed and that the boys would just have to keep coming back for me, surely that's better for them anyway - doubling the distance they're covering?!!!  I was feeling pretty happy plodding along and noticed ahead of me that they had stopped to talk to a lady jogger; she turned out to be one of the other regulars who had got home late from work and run to catch us up.  She said she couldn't miss out on a birthday jog, feeling rather apprehensive now about what this birthday jog may involve we continued when suddenly they jogged into a pub!!!  Yes a PUB! Brilliant!  A birthday jog involves stopping off for a cheeky pint!!!  Now, this is the sort of exercise club I could become very fond of! 


The guys had a pint, other lady had a half and I had...a glass of water!!!  I was VERY aware that my face could have melted the ice caps and that my hair resembled something akin to Worzel Gummidge but the club were so friendly and lovely that I really enjoyed sitting and getting to know them.  We discussed my fitness and they reassured me that I'd be surprised how quickly I will improve all I need to do is go out 4 or 5 times a week.  Hmmmm 4 or 5 times a week right, I was thinking 3 times max.  When I said this one of the guys said, yeah 3 times is OK to start with but 4/5 times would be better, you only need to go out for half an hour...  Obviously he doesn't have children and therefore has no idea just how long it takes us to actually leave the house.  To go through all that effort, energy and hard work to only be out for half an hour would just be a total waste of a morning's work!!!!!!   


Once we'd finished our drinks I was ready to whip out the local taxi number when one of the boys said "come on then, halfway there"... pardon? halfway there? halfway where?!!!!  Ohhhhhh Lord you want me to start running again, is there something wrong with you?  Luckily the terrain was either flat or down hill so I managed to keep up with my new found fitness buds and we were back in town in no time!


All in all I really enjoyed my session with my new friends and I'm pretty sure I shall be going out with them again next week.  Watch out Paula Radcliffe...

January - an update

So far this month I have NOT
a) been doing my pelvic floor exercises
b) blogged more often - you may have picked up on that one
c) eaten less chocolate or cheese or drunk less coffee
d) filed any post and in fact I found a letter shoved at the back of a drawer yesterday on which I had written "urgent, deal with this, do not ignore"!!!

So far this month I HAVE

a) Got so completely and utterly hammered at The Noo's birthday party that I had to be taken home!  When I did get home I just headed up to bed and got in - fully dressed, including boots.  Poor husband had to disrobe me and not in a sexy weyhey manner but in a wrestling a wet watermelon manner, especially when he got to the tights removal stage!  The next day I was a sure fire winner of Kerry Katona's "mother of the year" award as I was sooooo horribly hungover I couldn't even pick the boy up due to the sickiness, the spinniness and the shakes.  My lovely wonderful baldy looked after our gorgeous boy all day, and let me go back to bed to sleep off the vino.  What a disgrace!! 

b) Finally cashed the boy's Child Trust Fund cheque.  The man in the bank obviously thought I was a complete and total fraud as I couldn't remember my previous address, or any details of any other financial dealing we have (no, I don't know what type of mortgage we have, or when the insurance is due or whether or not our life assurance has "family protection".  Yes, I know I should know all of this) and when I told him I was a teacher he asked which school and unfortunately I had to then explain that actually I've only done my degree and haven't actually done any actual teaching in an actual school yet!!  So all in all, I was there for an hour and probably answered 2 questions accurately - my name, the boy's name, both of which were written down on the letter from the government anyway!!

c) Introduced myself to my new neighbours.  I popped round with some home made shortbread and when they invited me in (how friendly) the little girl took out one of my biscuits, took a bite, pulled a face and then put it back into the tin!  Haven't seen them since......

So, we are drawing a line under January and marking it up to some kind of New Year blip.  February, that's where the action is, February, that's where real people take up New Year challenges, just as all those others are wimping out of theirs.  February, yes February! It's the new January - everyone knows that!!!!  Yes, yes, I realise we're ever so slightly half way through February but as they say - better late than never!

New Years Resolutions

1) I will not use wanting another baby as an excuse to slob about and eat chocolates

2) I will leave the house every day, even if it's just to go to Sainsbury's (where I will NOT buy chocolate)

3) I will not get cross with my baldy when he's being a plonker and will instead remember that I love him and that he is wonderful

4) I will eat less cheese

5) I will eat less

6) I will not laze about in a slutty manner wearing trackie dacs and watching crappy daytime TV but will instead make an effort with self

7) I will blog more often

8) I will be better at staying in touch with friends and actually call people rather than sending them a text/email/facebook message saying sorry I haven't called!

9) I will become organised; filling post and paper properly rather than piling it up and losing everything!

10) I will attempt to reduce the number of coffees a day back into single digits

11) I will do my pelvic floor exercises twice a day as instructed by the midwife.  I will NOT become a Tena Lady!

Beautiful Bouncing Baby Boy!

I just have to share this with you; my gorgeous boy enjoying a fantastic prezzie from his Auntie.  Love him!!

Please excuse the inane chatter from me!

Too hot to breathe!

While most of the country is feeling the chill and reaching for a hot water bottle I'm sitting here wishing I had my bikini to hand!!! I'm back visiting the gorgeous in laws who don't seem to be at all concerned about Global Warming, in fact I think they may be singlehandedly responsible for the melting icecaps!!!!

They have a remote control central heating system with a portable thermostat designed to reduce bills by switching off as soon as the room you're in reaches the desired temperature... However it doesn't quite work like that here: the remote system is left in the kitchen - where there is no radiator - because "it turns off within minutes otherwise" Hmmmmm that might be because the rest of the house is like a sauna!!!! They want the heating on until half 8 no matter how ridiculously hot it gets! The boy is asleep upstairs with the window open because it's SO warm and I'm thinking of going up to bed to join him because sitting in the front room is like sitting on the sun!!

Can't type anymore; my fingers are sweating!!!!

This one's for you Tina!

Thank you to everyone for all your lovely texts, emails, kind words, hugs and most of all for your support!!  I feel very very loved and have had a really superb couple of weeks with my two baldies.

I'm sorry I haven't posted for a while; don't worry I haven't been drowning I despair I've been feeling much MUCH happier and have just been busy having a lovely lovely couple of weeks with my gorgeous baldies!

Will speak properly soon, and thank you all so much again xxxx

Wobble

I don't know if I'll post this, but I feel like I need to get it out of my head before it explodes! I feel terrible writing this as I have friends who are going through some really testing times and I'm just having a wobbly day.

For the record I love my son and I love being a mum more than anything, but I find it the hardest thing I have ever done. There are days when I just want to sit and cry and unfortunately today is one of them.  He is such a good boy and has been brilliant today but I feel like the worst mum in history and that I'm doing such an utterly crap job it's a miracle he is so good!!

We went to dinner last Sunday with some friends I've known for 15 odd years and they were saying that parenthood hadn't changed me at all and that I'm still laid back and taking it all in my stride. I find this amazing; I can't believe they think this - it's certainly not how I feel! When I asked the baldy he agreed that I'm laid back and have it all under control - or at least appear to!  I am astounded that someone who knows me so well doesn't see the cracks, the fake smile and the forced cheerfulness!!  Some days I'm counting the minutes until bed time, that is just awful I'm supposed to cherish every moment with my gorgeous baby and all I want him to do is go to sleep - usually so that I can!!!! I have no clue what his routine is and while I do not want to be as inflexible as Gina Ford it would be nice to have a bit of structure to the day. Just when I think I know what the boy wants to do - when(ish) he wants his feeds and his sleeps - it all goes to pot and the tiny bit of confidence I was beginning to have collapses and I'm back to square one; confused and without a clue!!!! It makes me feel so hopeless and inadequate! I don't know what my own son wants, I just can't work him out. Hubby says that I'm doing a great job and if I wasn't then the little man wouldn't be so happy and smiley but I can't help feeling I could be doing more and going it better. I'm certain the baldy wouldn't say I'm doing a good job if he could see what was inside my head, if he knew how false my smile is and how I have to force myself to be cheerful and happy with our beautiful little man.  I'm not saying I ever want to hurt the baby, certainly not - in fact the thought that some people abuse babies when they are so completely dependent on their carers makes me so upset.  Babies are so immediately loving and trustful and to use that against them is truly evil.  Anyway, I digress. 

On my wobbly days I have to smile and be cheerful so the little man doesn't think I'm unhappy because of him which I am not I love him so so so much but being a mum is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and it's made more difficult by not having anyone around to tell you HOW to do it, or even not have the person making demands on you be able to vocalise what they want and instead you play this 'guess what's wrong' game which you feel that you're inevitably going to fail and all the while there is this underlying feeling of guilt that you are doing a terrible job and making life lasting mistakes which is going to end up with your perfect baby appearing on Jeremy Kyle!!!!!!  I cant really explain how something which makes you so utterly happy can also make you feel so rubbish!  I want my boy to have the best of everything and I'm just not convinced some days that I am the best of mums! 

Like I say, today is a wobbly day.  It has been building for weeks and I don't feel like this every day but there are days when I DO feel like this and I think it's about time that someone tells the truth and puts a stop to this myth that motherhood is something people come to naturally and is somehow an eternally joyful experience.  It IS the best, most rewarding and important job you'll ever have, but it is also the hardest, most undervalued and under appreciated role anyone will ever have! 

Gosh, that was a bit of a tirade and I hope I haven't given anyone the wrong impression.  I do adore being a mum and I love my boy SOOOOO much and I'd say 80% of the time I feel fantastic, happy and full of beans but then I get a day like today and it feels like it all falls apart.  Writing this has made me feel so much better; it's important to get these things off your chest otherwise they fester and then you'll end up in the nut house!!! 

Enough self pity from me.  Good night x 

A line has been drawn

_______________________________________

This morning I weighed myself and was appalled to see that I have gained a stone since the little man was brought into this world.  Scary, but not enough to stop me from ordering fries with my salad today - oh no, I was still in I'll start tomorrow land at lunch time.  That was soon to change however when I approached an innocent looking lady in order to get myself a poppy.  She was a lovely old dear, having a great day chatting to everyone and being generally charming - until I reached her when she morphed into an evil old cow bag who said "I won't pin you, I don't want your baby to come!"  I stared at her blankly, and looked over to the boy, then down to my (admittedly slightly bulging) tummy and realised with horror that she thought I was STILL pregnant, and not only pregnant but pregnant enough to have a noticeable - it's definitely pregnancy and not just lardiness - bump; that's like 6 months gone!!!!  OH MY LORDY LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, Operation Fight the Flab has officially started: at 6 I'm off to Body Combat and I pledge to you my dear reader to do some form of exercise every day this week - I'll do 3 classes at the gym and plenty of walking.  I will eat healthily and there will be NO snacking!!   No Slacking, No Snacking that will be my mantra until this baby bump is gone!!!  There are 7 weeks until Christmas and I'm determined to be skinny minnie by then!  Watch this (disappearing) space!!! 

Home Sweet Home

Well, our Autumn holiday has been cut short and we are now back at Fork Towers.  No real reason for this except that going on holiday with a 3 month old is blinking hard work!!!!!!!  Of course the little man is perfection personified - it's his lunatic mother that is the issue!  Friday night we made our way down to Southampton and have enjoyed a fantastic weekend with the gorgeous Everalls; went to the Isle of Wight on Saturday, Sunday went into Pompey for lunch with the DelderBells and Mr G and all in all had a totally brilliant time!  Today however, it all went a bit wonky, I don't know why - the boy was up early which is never a good thing for his allergic to mornings mummy but I think the killer blow was the commencement of Ladies Week....  I just NEED to be home when that is going on for several reasons the main one being that I'm sooooooooooooo bloated that my jeans now look like jeggings!! 

So, we're now having a stay at home holiday which I am super excited about, I love my home; I love having all my stuff around me, I love being in my snugs by half past 6 and I REALLY love my massive bed!  Although I'm quite sad that all those lists have gone to waste :-(

We're all going on a autumn holiday...

Next week we are off on a grand tour of the south coast; I am so so SO excited about having a whole week with my two favourite baldies and about seeing all my lovely buddies.

There has been a frenzy of washing and ironing for a week now and I have a list that is approximately 93 miles long!! The list has several categories with headings, subheadings and footnotes I honestly don't think Napoloen was this organised when he decided to have a go at conquering Europe!!!!! The amount of stuff we're taking for mearly a week is utterly ridiculous and I think we may have to hire Pickfords to help us travel down the A34.

The above was written on Monday, it is now Friday and the smug, organised, capable feeling has dissipated and transformed itself into blind panic!!! The front room looks like some kind of jumble sale is taking place soon with piles of clothes, bedding, towels and other "essentials" haphazardly plonked about the place! The smallest person in the house has 4 different piles - day, night, washing, sleeping, not to mention the entire dinning room table which is groaning under the strain from the items listed under " just in case"!!!

The boot of the car already won't shut and we haven't yet put any suitcases or bags in there it only has the pram and the travel cot and it can't cope!!! Where's the rest of the stuff
going to go?

Instead of tackling this craziness head on, getting sorted and therefore feeling ready and able to go I am currently sitting in Cafe Nero drinking cappuccino and writing this in a state of denial and with the vain hope that somehow, despite myself, it'll all come together and we'll be ready to pick the baldy up from work at 4!!!!!! Just have another coffee then will get on..... Oh and a pain au choc......

Yum yum yummity YUM!!!!!

I've just made Peanut Satay 30 minute meal from the lovely Jamie Oliver and I have to say it was deeeeeeeeelicious!!  The Baldy bought me the book on Monday and I've been wanting to create a Michelin Star meal from it since.  Couldn't do it Monday as had had a nervous breakdown and therefore needed something mega easy - pasta and pesto, yesterday it was the mans turn to cook so we had fish finger sarnies and so tonight was the night... 

The boy and I went to Sainsburys to make sure we had all the right stuff and I've been so excited about making this dinner - how sad is that?!!  I love love love chicken satay and it's ace to have lovely straight forward and quick recipe for it.  Jamie (yes, we're on first name terms now) hasn't done this one on the box yet so the recipe isn't on the website yet but I can HIGHLY recommend it - it is super super easy and so scrummy I think it will certainly become a Forky Favourite. 

The pudding was pineapple which the Fork doesn't like and which I over indulged in when trying to induce labour so we opted for chocolate ice cream which, sadly, was not homemade.  Despite this small "cheat" I do believe my Domestic Goddessness is at an all time high!! 

Gotta love the fork!!!

After a bit of a tricky day with the boy my lovely baldy has come home with a present for me and has managed to get our little man smiling and having fun again!!!

Love love love him, now if only he could pick the winning lottery numbers....

How far is too far?!

I have just driven to Warwick services for a Starbucks!!!!! Actually the reason we're in the car is so that the little man doesn't end up in the front garden with a notice saying "free to a good home" pinned to his chest!!! I don't know what is up with his gorgeousness but he has been just impossible to please today; won't sleep, won't eat, won't have kickabout, won't go in his bouncy chair, won't be cuddled, just won't!!!! So in desperation and in a vain attempt not to completely lose it we got in the car so he could sleep and I could have a moment to remember how adoreable he usually is..

Having driven to Warwick the queue in Starbucks is more than I can cope with so we got back in the car to drive home, via Warwick services north bound where I pick up my much needed skinny cap triple shot fix!! The lengths I'll go to for an hours peace....Lordy!!!

It's done the trick though, he's had a little snooze and I've remembered that I love being a mum!!!

PS saw a car on the motorway advertising a website - colourfulcoffins.com so could be worse, I could have to spend my day flogging a lime green coffin!!!!!! Crickey!!!

A study in motherhood

Number of injections received by the boy: 2

Number of injections received by mum: 0

Number of tears shed by the boy: 3

Number of tears shed by mum: 94,628,234

Technique for calming the boy: cuddle with mum

Technique for calming mum: large skinny cappuccino with an extra shot and a pecan pie

Boy's afternoon activity: happily sleeping in pram

Mum's afternoon activity: searching the house high and low for some chocolate - there must be some somewhere......

Conclusion: Poor little man is a brave solider who has a complete lunatic for a mother!!! 

A whole night's sleep

Saturday night my gorgeous sister and her man looked after the boy while Baldy and I checked into MalMaison, I have been SO excited about this that I've been counting down the non-sleeps until our whole night's sleep!!  Within seconds of entering our hotel room the vino was opened and I had managed to de-stress.  In anticipation of what my Mother in Law called our "orgy" (!!!!) I had bought a new frock, had my nails done and was waxed to within an inch of my life! 

After inhaling my first glass of vino the Baldy does his job, tops up my glass and I decide it is time for me to ready myself for scoffing.  It felt like a date night so thought I'd do a woman of mystery transformation in the bathroom and toddled off to attempt gorgeousness.  Allow me to give you a top dressing tip, when attempting to put on Gok's infamous magic knickers it is best to avoid practically downing 2 LARGE glasses of vino - particularly if your alcohol tolerance isn't what it used to be!!  Despite my self inflicted handicaps I managed to dress and apply make-up without looking too much like someone who has been let out for the day!  Obviously I chose this night to wear my super mega high heels, possibly not the best decision with my light-weight status in mind!!!! 

We make it to the restaurant and have the MOST amazing meal, super yummy scrum!!!  I can highly recommend the Malmasion food - it's delicious!  The wine list is the size of a Booker Prize winning novel so we just ordered the cheapest bottle in there - we're no connoisseurs!  There was only one slight hiccup when I toddled off to the ladies knocking the condiments off a neighbouring table; no, not with my handbag but with the hugeness that is my backside!!!!  Classy!  Not embarrassing at all! 

Having consumed the best part of 2 bottles of wine and with the prospect of a night without responsibilities the Baldy was the recipient of various promises, suggestions and innuendos.  We got back to the room and things started to heat up when the vino, food and sleep deprivation kicked in....resulting in us both snoring soundly in our respective bed halves within moments of our heads hitting the pillow!!!!  So much for a night of passion!  Far more important to get a night of sleep and boy did we sleep.  Ten whole hours of blissful snoozing!!!!  PERFECT!

Skinny Jeans - Friend or Foe?!

I approached last weekend with some apprehension; I had agreed to do all the night feeds on Friday and had a hair appointment on Saturday with a new, never before tried hairdresser - is there anything more nerve recking?!! 

So firstly Friday, after damaging myself beyond repair in Total Body Workout the idea of having to get up endlessly through the night, even if it is to see the most gorgeous boy this side of Colin Firth, did not have me thanking Crunchie!!!!  Of course my boy was absolutely wonderful and only woke twice in the night - 12 and 5.30 and even had a bit of a lie in not waking properly until 8 so that was a tip top start to Saturday!!!  But the biggest worry loomed on the horizon; the new hairdresser experience!  My hairdresser, Louise, is brilliant however she has very selfishly gone on maternity leave and is insisting in stopping at home with her new baby when I need my hair sorting out!  Honestly, you just cannot get the staff these days!!  With some trepidation I set off to Broadway for my appointment with fate, and Deborah whoever she may be..... 2 and half hours later I emerge in a Stars in Your Eyes stylee with new hair which could rival even Jenifer Aniston's!!!!  LOVE it, it's nothing amazing and you could possibly be excused for not noticing but I feel like a new women - and the greys are history! 

Following the success of the morning I decide to plunge into the heady world of Saturday shopping.  Since the dawn of time I have always HATED shopping in town on a Saturday - its just TOO busy and hectic and you have to put up with "computer says no" morons sent purely to irritate and torture the reasonable and rational!!  But, new hair makes you feel as though you can conquer the world so off I go to the metropolis that is Redditch.  I have been considering the wardrobe of a new mum and was keen to be more Denis Van Outen/Danni Minouge than Jeremy Kyle contestant so had in mind some new jeans to wear tucked into flat boots with some kind of long-ish top and belt combo.  In my quest for these seemingly innocent items I entered Next where I made the ludicrous decision to try on some skinny jeans - I realise that many of you will not have associated the word "skinny" with me before but new hair can have an extraordinary effect on a persons perception of themselves!!!!!  I should have know things weren't going to go well when getting the thigh part of the jeans over my dodgy calf was a bit of a mission, but I'm no quitter!!  By the time I had them pulled up to my waist strange things were happening to the jeans - they had gone from looking pretty and inviting on the hanger to resembling something akin to a denim sausage casing - definitely more Jeremy Kyle than yummy mummy!  Having decided that skinny jeans were not actually a friend I attempted to remove them from my person.  At this point they took on the qualities of one of those stupid finger trap things - do you remember them?  The ones where you put a finger in each end and the more you struggle the tighter it gets (this sounds wrong, but you know what I mean!)   What do I do?  How do I get the blinking tings off?  Do I call for the size 4 shop assistant and ask if they have some kind of skinny jeans removal machine?!!!  Or perhaps the fire brigade were more appropriat?!  Why oh why did I ever think of putting these ridiculous jeans on?!!!!  Eventually, after roughly 973 hours, I am free from the jeans!!  ALLELUIA!!!!!

Feeling as though it's probably safer if I just avoid all other clothing stores I head to the safety of Cafe Nero, while on my way there I pass the Orange shop...  and bought myself an iPhone!!!  It was slightly more than the new jeans and boots I was planning to buy but all the wrestling had destroyed my new hair and with my injury in mind not to mention  my traumatic experience in Next I felt as though I deserved a shiny new treat!!