I don't know if I'll post this, but I feel like I need to get it out of my head before it explodes! I feel terrible writing this as I have friends who are going through some really testing times and I'm just having a wobbly day.
For the record I love my son and I love being a mum more than anything, but I find it the hardest thing I have ever done. There are days when I just want to sit and cry and unfortunately today is one of them. He is such a good boy and has been brilliant today but I feel like the worst mum in history and that I'm doing such an utterly crap job it's a miracle he is so good!!
We went to dinner last Sunday with some friends I've known for 15 odd years and they were saying that parenthood hadn't changed me at all and that I'm still laid back and taking it all in my stride. I find this amazing; I can't believe they think this - it's certainly not how I feel! When I asked the baldy he agreed that I'm laid back and have it all under control - or at least appear to! I am astounded that someone who knows me so well doesn't see the cracks, the fake smile and the forced cheerfulness!! Some days I'm counting the minutes until bed time, that is just awful I'm supposed to cherish every moment with my gorgeous baby and all I want him to do is go to sleep - usually so that I can!!!! I have no clue what his routine is and while I do not want to be as inflexible as Gina Ford it would be nice to have a bit of structure to the day. Just when I think I know what the boy wants to do - when(ish) he wants his feeds and his sleeps - it all goes to pot and the tiny bit of confidence I was beginning to have collapses and I'm back to square one; confused and without a clue!!!! It makes me feel so hopeless and inadequate! I don't know what my own son wants, I just can't work him out. Hubby says that I'm doing a great job and if I wasn't then the little man wouldn't be so happy and smiley but I can't help feeling I could be doing more and going it better. I'm certain the baldy wouldn't say I'm doing a good job if he could see what was inside my head, if he knew how false my smile is and how I have to force myself to be cheerful and happy with our beautiful little man. I'm not saying I ever want to hurt the baby, certainly not - in fact the thought that some people abuse babies when they are so completely dependent on their carers makes me so upset. Babies are so immediately loving and trustful and to use that against them is truly evil. Anyway, I digress.
On my wobbly days I have to smile and be cheerful so the little man doesn't think I'm unhappy because of him which I am not I love him so so so much but being a mum is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and it's made more difficult by not having anyone around to tell you HOW to do it, or even not have the person making demands on you be able to vocalise what they want and instead you play this 'guess what's wrong' game which you feel that you're inevitably going to fail and all the while there is this underlying feeling of guilt that you are doing a terrible job and making life lasting mistakes which is going to end up with your perfect baby appearing on Jeremy Kyle!!!!!! I cant really explain how something which makes you so utterly happy can also make you feel so rubbish! I want my boy to have the best of everything and I'm just not convinced some days that I am the best of mums!
Like I say, today is a wobbly day. It has been building for weeks and I don't feel like this every day but there are days when I DO feel like this and I think it's about time that someone tells the truth and puts a stop to this myth that motherhood is something people come to naturally and is somehow an eternally joyful experience. It IS the best, most rewarding and important job you'll ever have, but it is also the hardest, most undervalued and under appreciated role anyone will ever have!
Gosh, that was a bit of a tirade and I hope I haven't given anyone the wrong impression. I do adore being a mum and I love my boy SOOOOO much and I'd say 80% of the time I feel fantastic, happy and full of beans but then I get a day like today and it feels like it all falls apart. Writing this has made me feel so much better; it's important to get these things off your chest otherwise they fester and then you'll end up in the nut house!!!
Enough self pity from me. Good night x
If you feel good 80% of the time then you are doing a fantastic job! No one has a sodding clue what todo. And fret not you are not alone, would cheerful sell the pair of them for a bottle (maybe two) of wine and some sleep today. Must remember there is always tomorrow..
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