I just have to share this with you; my gorgeous boy enjoying a fantastic prezzie from his Auntie. Love him!!
Please excuse the inane chatter from me!
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
Saturday, 27 November 2010
Too hot to breathe!
While most of the country is feeling the chill and reaching for a hot water bottle I'm sitting here wishing I had my bikini to hand!!! I'm back visiting the gorgeous in laws who don't seem to be at all concerned about Global Warming, in fact I think they may be singlehandedly responsible for the melting icecaps!!!!
They have a remote control central heating system with a portable thermostat designed to reduce bills by switching off as soon as the room you're in reaches the desired temperature... However it doesn't quite work like that here: the remote system is left in the kitchen - where there is no radiator - because "it turns off within minutes otherwise" Hmmmmm that might be because the rest of the house is like a sauna!!!! They want the heating on until half 8 no matter how ridiculously hot it gets! The boy is asleep upstairs with the window open because it's SO warm and I'm thinking of going up to bed to join him because sitting in the front room is like sitting on the sun!!
Can't type anymore; my fingers are sweating!!!!
They have a remote control central heating system with a portable thermostat designed to reduce bills by switching off as soon as the room you're in reaches the desired temperature... However it doesn't quite work like that here: the remote system is left in the kitchen - where there is no radiator - because "it turns off within minutes otherwise" Hmmmmm that might be because the rest of the house is like a sauna!!!! They want the heating on until half 8 no matter how ridiculously hot it gets! The boy is asleep upstairs with the window open because it's SO warm and I'm thinking of going up to bed to join him because sitting in the front room is like sitting on the sun!!
Can't type anymore; my fingers are sweating!!!!
Thursday, 18 November 2010
This one's for you Tina!
Thank you to everyone for all your lovely texts, emails, kind words, hugs and most of all for your support!! I feel very very loved and have had a really superb couple of weeks with my two baldies.
I'm sorry I haven't posted for a while; don't worry I haven't been drowning I despair I've been feeling much MUCH happier and have just been busy having a lovely lovely couple of weeks with my gorgeous baldies!
Will speak properly soon, and thank you all so much again xxxx
I'm sorry I haven't posted for a while; don't worry I haven't been drowning I despair I've been feeling much MUCH happier and have just been busy having a lovely lovely couple of weeks with my gorgeous baldies!
Will speak properly soon, and thank you all so much again xxxx
Saturday, 6 November 2010
Wobble
I don't know if I'll post this, but I feel like I need to get it out of my head before it explodes! I feel terrible writing this as I have friends who are going through some really testing times and I'm just having a wobbly day.
For the record I love my son and I love being a mum more than anything, but I find it the hardest thing I have ever done. There are days when I just want to sit and cry and unfortunately today is one of them. He is such a good boy and has been brilliant today but I feel like the worst mum in history and that I'm doing such an utterly crap job it's a miracle he is so good!!
We went to dinner last Sunday with some friends I've known for 15 odd years and they were saying that parenthood hadn't changed me at all and that I'm still laid back and taking it all in my stride. I find this amazing; I can't believe they think this - it's certainly not how I feel! When I asked the baldy he agreed that I'm laid back and have it all under control - or at least appear to! I am astounded that someone who knows me so well doesn't see the cracks, the fake smile and the forced cheerfulness!! Some days I'm counting the minutes until bed time, that is just awful I'm supposed to cherish every moment with my gorgeous baby and all I want him to do is go to sleep - usually so that I can!!!! I have no clue what his routine is and while I do not want to be as inflexible as Gina Ford it would be nice to have a bit of structure to the day. Just when I think I know what the boy wants to do - when(ish) he wants his feeds and his sleeps - it all goes to pot and the tiny bit of confidence I was beginning to have collapses and I'm back to square one; confused and without a clue!!!! It makes me feel so hopeless and inadequate! I don't know what my own son wants, I just can't work him out. Hubby says that I'm doing a great job and if I wasn't then the little man wouldn't be so happy and smiley but I can't help feeling I could be doing more and going it better. I'm certain the baldy wouldn't say I'm doing a good job if he could see what was inside my head, if he knew how false my smile is and how I have to force myself to be cheerful and happy with our beautiful little man. I'm not saying I ever want to hurt the baby, certainly not - in fact the thought that some people abuse babies when they are so completely dependent on their carers makes me so upset. Babies are so immediately loving and trustful and to use that against them is truly evil. Anyway, I digress.
On my wobbly days I have to smile and be cheerful so the little man doesn't think I'm unhappy because of him which I am not I love him so so so much but being a mum is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and it's made more difficult by not having anyone around to tell you HOW to do it, or even not have the person making demands on you be able to vocalise what they want and instead you play this 'guess what's wrong' game which you feel that you're inevitably going to fail and all the while there is this underlying feeling of guilt that you are doing a terrible job and making life lasting mistakes which is going to end up with your perfect baby appearing on Jeremy Kyle!!!!!! I cant really explain how something which makes you so utterly happy can also make you feel so rubbish! I want my boy to have the best of everything and I'm just not convinced some days that I am the best of mums!
Like I say, today is a wobbly day. It has been building for weeks and I don't feel like this every day but there are days when I DO feel like this and I think it's about time that someone tells the truth and puts a stop to this myth that motherhood is something people come to naturally and is somehow an eternally joyful experience. It IS the best, most rewarding and important job you'll ever have, but it is also the hardest, most undervalued and under appreciated role anyone will ever have!
Gosh, that was a bit of a tirade and I hope I haven't given anyone the wrong impression. I do adore being a mum and I love my boy SOOOOO much and I'd say 80% of the time I feel fantastic, happy and full of beans but then I get a day like today and it feels like it all falls apart. Writing this has made me feel so much better; it's important to get these things off your chest otherwise they fester and then you'll end up in the nut house!!!
Enough self pity from me. Good night x
For the record I love my son and I love being a mum more than anything, but I find it the hardest thing I have ever done. There are days when I just want to sit and cry and unfortunately today is one of them. He is such a good boy and has been brilliant today but I feel like the worst mum in history and that I'm doing such an utterly crap job it's a miracle he is so good!!
We went to dinner last Sunday with some friends I've known for 15 odd years and they were saying that parenthood hadn't changed me at all and that I'm still laid back and taking it all in my stride. I find this amazing; I can't believe they think this - it's certainly not how I feel! When I asked the baldy he agreed that I'm laid back and have it all under control - or at least appear to! I am astounded that someone who knows me so well doesn't see the cracks, the fake smile and the forced cheerfulness!! Some days I'm counting the minutes until bed time, that is just awful I'm supposed to cherish every moment with my gorgeous baby and all I want him to do is go to sleep - usually so that I can!!!! I have no clue what his routine is and while I do not want to be as inflexible as Gina Ford it would be nice to have a bit of structure to the day. Just when I think I know what the boy wants to do - when(ish) he wants his feeds and his sleeps - it all goes to pot and the tiny bit of confidence I was beginning to have collapses and I'm back to square one; confused and without a clue!!!! It makes me feel so hopeless and inadequate! I don't know what my own son wants, I just can't work him out. Hubby says that I'm doing a great job and if I wasn't then the little man wouldn't be so happy and smiley but I can't help feeling I could be doing more and going it better. I'm certain the baldy wouldn't say I'm doing a good job if he could see what was inside my head, if he knew how false my smile is and how I have to force myself to be cheerful and happy with our beautiful little man. I'm not saying I ever want to hurt the baby, certainly not - in fact the thought that some people abuse babies when they are so completely dependent on their carers makes me so upset. Babies are so immediately loving and trustful and to use that against them is truly evil. Anyway, I digress.
On my wobbly days I have to smile and be cheerful so the little man doesn't think I'm unhappy because of him which I am not I love him so so so much but being a mum is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and it's made more difficult by not having anyone around to tell you HOW to do it, or even not have the person making demands on you be able to vocalise what they want and instead you play this 'guess what's wrong' game which you feel that you're inevitably going to fail and all the while there is this underlying feeling of guilt that you are doing a terrible job and making life lasting mistakes which is going to end up with your perfect baby appearing on Jeremy Kyle!!!!!! I cant really explain how something which makes you so utterly happy can also make you feel so rubbish! I want my boy to have the best of everything and I'm just not convinced some days that I am the best of mums!
Like I say, today is a wobbly day. It has been building for weeks and I don't feel like this every day but there are days when I DO feel like this and I think it's about time that someone tells the truth and puts a stop to this myth that motherhood is something people come to naturally and is somehow an eternally joyful experience. It IS the best, most rewarding and important job you'll ever have, but it is also the hardest, most undervalued and under appreciated role anyone will ever have!
Gosh, that was a bit of a tirade and I hope I haven't given anyone the wrong impression. I do adore being a mum and I love my boy SOOOOO much and I'd say 80% of the time I feel fantastic, happy and full of beans but then I get a day like today and it feels like it all falls apart. Writing this has made me feel so much better; it's important to get these things off your chest otherwise they fester and then you'll end up in the nut house!!!
Enough self pity from me. Good night x
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
A line has been drawn
_______________________________________
This morning I weighed myself and was appalled to see that I have gained a stone since the little man was brought into this world. Scary, but not enough to stop me from ordering fries with my salad today - oh no, I was still in I'll start tomorrow land at lunch time. That was soon to change however when I approached an innocent looking lady in order to get myself a poppy. She was a lovely old dear, having a great day chatting to everyone and being generally charming - until I reached her when she morphed into an evil old cow bag who said "I won't pin you, I don't want your baby to come!" I stared at her blankly, and looked over to the boy, then down to my (admittedly slightly bulging) tummy and realised with horror that she thought I was STILL pregnant, and not only pregnant but pregnant enough to have a noticeable - it's definitely pregnancy and not just lardiness - bump; that's like 6 months gone!!!! OH MY LORDY LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, Operation Fight the Flab has officially started: at 6 I'm off to Body Combat and I pledge to you my dear reader to do some form of exercise every day this week - I'll do 3 classes at the gym and plenty of walking. I will eat healthily and there will be NO snacking!! No Slacking, No Snacking that will be my mantra until this baby bump is gone!!! There are 7 weeks until Christmas and I'm determined to be skinny minnie by then! Watch this (disappearing) space!!!
This morning I weighed myself and was appalled to see that I have gained a stone since the little man was brought into this world. Scary, but not enough to stop me from ordering fries with my salad today - oh no, I was still in I'll start tomorrow land at lunch time. That was soon to change however when I approached an innocent looking lady in order to get myself a poppy. She was a lovely old dear, having a great day chatting to everyone and being generally charming - until I reached her when she morphed into an evil old cow bag who said "I won't pin you, I don't want your baby to come!" I stared at her blankly, and looked over to the boy, then down to my (admittedly slightly bulging) tummy and realised with horror that she thought I was STILL pregnant, and not only pregnant but pregnant enough to have a noticeable - it's definitely pregnancy and not just lardiness - bump; that's like 6 months gone!!!! OH MY LORDY LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, Operation Fight the Flab has officially started: at 6 I'm off to Body Combat and I pledge to you my dear reader to do some form of exercise every day this week - I'll do 3 classes at the gym and plenty of walking. I will eat healthily and there will be NO snacking!! No Slacking, No Snacking that will be my mantra until this baby bump is gone!!! There are 7 weeks until Christmas and I'm determined to be skinny minnie by then! Watch this (disappearing) space!!!
Monday, 1 November 2010
Home Sweet Home
Well, our Autumn holiday has been cut short and we are now back at Fork Towers. No real reason for this except that going on holiday with a 3 month old is blinking hard work!!!!!!! Of course the little man is perfection personified - it's his lunatic mother that is the issue! Friday night we made our way down to Southampton and have enjoyed a fantastic weekend with the gorgeous Everalls; went to the Isle of Wight on Saturday, Sunday went into Pompey for lunch with the DelderBells and Mr G and all in all had a totally brilliant time! Today however, it all went a bit wonky, I don't know why - the boy was up early which is never a good thing for his allergic to mornings mummy but I think the killer blow was the commencement of Ladies Week.... I just NEED to be home when that is going on for several reasons the main one being that I'm sooooooooooooo bloated that my jeans now look like jeggings!!
So, we're now having a stay at home holiday which I am super excited about, I love my home; I love having all my stuff around me, I love being in my snugs by half past 6 and I REALLY love my massive bed! Although I'm quite sad that all those lists have gone to waste :-(
So, we're now having a stay at home holiday which I am super excited about, I love my home; I love having all my stuff around me, I love being in my snugs by half past 6 and I REALLY love my massive bed! Although I'm quite sad that all those lists have gone to waste :-(
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